brain-train Newsletter May 2007

 

Fear -- Feel It and Keep Moving

"Don't join an easy crowd; you won't grow. Go where the expectations and the demands to perform are high." -- Jim Rohn

 Many of us allow our fear to stop us in our tracks. All it takes is a less than encouraging word, a negative facial expression, or a less than positive opinion, and we give up before we even get started.

We're afraid of:

• the word "no" because it means failure
• the word "yes" because it means responsibility
• the disapproving look because it means rejection
• the whispers and grins because they mean judgment, and
• the absence of support because it means abandonment

Let's look at these five catalysts to failure and how they can be overcome.

1 - Abandonment

Little James Earl was scared. His father had left the family to become a prize fighter and actor. His mother had left to earn money as a tailor. The Great Depression had stolen his family and he was about to lose the only life he had ever known.

His grandparents had adopted him and now they were on their way to Michigan.

2 - Rejection

Though his life in Mississippi had been one of abandonment, it was all the 5-year-old boy had known. The move to Michigan so traumatized him he developed a stutter.

His first day of school was a disaster. His stuttering made his classmates laugh at him. It was the final straw for a frightened little boy. He closed his mouth and simply quit talking -- for eight years!

James Earl was completely mute – with the exception of conversations he had with himself when he was all alone. He found solace in the written word – creating poetry to release the raging in his soul.

3 - Judgment

As is often the case, one person who saw beyond his limitations released James Earl from his self-imposed prison. That one person was an English teacher who saw talent in the silent 13-year-old. She pushed him beyond his fear by forcing him into public speaking – insisting he recite a poem in front of the class every day.

Can't you imagine his terror when he first stood in front of his classmates? What made him do it? Was it only the teacher's insistence? No. It was a deep desire to break free from his prison and speak all the things that had sat silently in his heart during all those years. He chose to feel the fear – and then do it anyway!

4 - Failure

He stuttered. He stammered. He endured the sympathetic and scornful looks of fellow students. He endured the laughing. But he did it. He faced the fear and forced himself to speak. Day after day. Week after week. He hung onto the encouragement of the teacher who believed in him. And it worked. His stuttering became less. He learned to control his voice.

5 - Responsibility

His victories made him look for more challenges. James Earl began to take acting lessons. His early lessons in perseverance gave him the courage to push beyond the prejudices against black actors. He chose to take as many different types of roles as he could – stretching his limitations and refusing to be pigeon-holed with any stereotypes.

-- Beyond the Fear --

James Earl Jones is now known for his deep authoritative voice. Perhaps you know him as the voice of Star War's Darth Vader or as Mufasa in the Lion King. You see him almost daily on commercials. He has starred on Broadway and been in many movies. He has been laden with Tony, Emmy and Obie Awards.

People look at him today and see a confident actor with a deep, resonant voice. The next time you see him, look deeper. . .

James Earl Jones' great secret to success is that he chose to push beyond his fears. He chose to change the reality of a young boy who had lived in silence for eight years. He chose to face ridicule and scorn in order to be free. I can only imagine how many years passed before he could open his mouth without being afraid of what would come out.

So many of us let our fears stop us. We're afraid of how we will appear. We're afraid of what people will think. We're afraid we'll fail. And so. . . we do nothing. We exchange fear for regret.

Fear will pass. Fear can be conquered. Fear will fade away in the face of determined action.

Regret – well, you'll live with that for the rest of your life.

What are you afraid of? Name the fear. Choose to face it. And take action to conquer it today! You, too, can live a life of success by feeling the fear and moving beyond it.

“In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.” -Eleanor Roosevelt

Developing Your Emotional Intelligence

”We must find time to stop and thank the people who make a difference in our lives.” –Robert Kennedy

"She has a sixth sense with her business."

"He can always close a deal."

"They always make the right investment decisions."

Do you envy them? What's the key to their success?

Daniel Goleman, a psychologist, suggests that these differences among people may be due to your EQ, or Emotional Quotient. Research demonstrates that not all success in life is determined by IQ, but may rest more on how perceptive one is with regard to your emotions. Those of us who feel our feelings, interpret them correctly, and then act upon that information, have an advantage over those of us who rely solely on intellect to make decisions.

If it's true, as Goleman suggests, that those of us with a high EQ are more successful, how do we develop this side of ourselves? Then, how do we integrate this information with our reason? It appears to be a matter of mastering these three steps: (1) feeling your feelings; (2) interpreting your feelings correctly; and (3) acting upon the feeling information.

Because you are a living, breathing human being, you are capable of feelings, both physical and emotional. It doesn't take long to acknowledge those feelings and begin to name them.

Feelings are things like joy, irritation, hunger, fatigue, boredom, confusion, pain, anticipation, pride, embarrassment, tension, and so on. The list is endless and I often advise my clients to get a thesaurus or dictionary and copy down as many "feeling" words as they can find. It is important to refine your repertoire of feelings and feeling words so that you can expand your consciousness about your EQ.

It is also important to remember that you always feel your feelings first. Because of how you are "wired" thoughts or interpretations come after feelings. So it is useful to notice those feelings consciously before your conscious mind decides to ignore them or misinterpret them.

The second step is interpreting those feelings that you have just noticed which is no easy feat. The key element here is to realize that feelings are basically neutral. That is, they are neither good nor bad; they are just feedback. For example, if you haven't eaten for several hours, you will feel hungry. At first the feeling isn't unpleasant, but if you don't eat for days, hunger can be painful. The feeling of hunger is a message that you need to attend to your body by feeding it. But the hunger pangs should not be interpreted as punishment, just because they are unpleasant.

Anger is another example. Anger may feel unpleasant to you and therefore, something to suppress. However, the feeling of anger is neither good nor bad; it is just feedback about something that is important for you to know. Try to view all of your feelings that way. They are feedback in feeling-form about your environment. One person may be triggered to feel angry about something, while another may be triggered to laugh. Feelings are your characteristic way of sensing your environment.

This brings us to step three, acting upon the information you have interpreted from your feelings. In the case of hunger or fatigue, a decision is relatively simple to satisfy those basic needs. But decision-making is more complex when the feelings are part of a financial security for your family, or whether to fire an employee. This is where EQ really helps. Those individuals who have trusted their EQ throughout childhood and have refined and developed those skills into adult life, are in a much better position to make successful decisions.

While there is nothing like practice and life experience, here are a few basic tips to improve your decision making by including relevant feeling information.

1. Always checkout your feelings before making any decision.
2. Inquire after another's feelings before proceeding to decision making.
3. Check your feelings again after arriving at the decision.
4. Remember that "feeling good" about something doesn't always mean that the decision is correct.
5. Be willing to acknowledge that you are afraid or angry or confused. Hiding these feelings from yourself may deny you powerful and necessary information.

Many of you know those successful people who seem always to be in the right place at the right time. They aren't really any smarter than you are, but probably they trust an "inner knowing" based upon using all of the resources available to them, emotional, mental, physical and even spiritual.